I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
