It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
