found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
