she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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