He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
