Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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