I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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