So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
