I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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