why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My penis needs a shock collar
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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