The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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