I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
