Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
