stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
