I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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