i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
