Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
