We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
