he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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