we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
