Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
