I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
