the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
