At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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