Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
