I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
