So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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