Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
