just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
