I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
