in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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