trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
