Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me I should be a condom model.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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