just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize