It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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