i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
