Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize