I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
