My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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