YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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