Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
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