so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
