her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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