You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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