u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just had sex on a roof
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
