can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Send help, water and tortillas.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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