dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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