You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
