I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
