If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
