I accidentally had phone sex last night
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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