I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
do nipples grow back?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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