the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
