I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize