i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
