Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
