I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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